London Psychotherapy & Counselling Service | What can be of help when I am constantly feeling anxious, stressed and panicky?

Parents find the deep love for their babies amongst life's most rewarding experiences and for many parents it can be disheartening looking after a baby who doesn't seem happy. Crying for baby is both a reflex action and a reflection of her personality. It is a means of self-expression and is her language. Crying in these early weeks and months is the most common and frequent sound she produces. Her brain is not yet developed to be able to manage either overwhelming feelings or bodily sensations. So when baby cries she is alerting you to think about what might be bothering her either physically or emotionally.

Every baby is a unique individual from the moment of birth with their own likes and dislikes, strengths and sensitivities as any mother who has given birth to a second baby will recognise. One baby might find it hard to settle. Another may fall asleep easily but might find a nappy change distressing. It's important to remember that no two babies are alike. So when your baby seems to cry more than another it does not mean that you are not a good enough mother.

At first it can be difficult to work out what baby's crying means. As time goes by and with experience have confidence that you will be able to it work out. Of course there will be times when you don't know why baby is crying and, at times, it's not always possible to fix it. What matters is that you have the space in your mind to really think about and take her seriously.

In order to create a thinking space in your mind it does help if you can stay calm. We all know that if we're upset and are in the presence of another who is calm this can have a calming effect on our mood and it's the same with your baby.

Baby's crying, when out and about, may become a source of embarrassment for a mother leading her to isolate herself at home. It's important to realise that these are common enough feelings. In these instances going to a local mother and baby group in your area can be both supportive and helpful and get you and baby out socialising. It may be helpful to know that her crying will start to settle by four to six weeks.

In general newborn babies cry for a total of between 2 and 4 hours in a day which can be in short bursts with the odd prolonged bout. This can vary from one baby to another. It may be useful here to think about the language of crying. Your newborn baby is in a new world, soothing her may be easier if you try to see things from her point of view. For example, Is she angry or upset? Is she hungry or is her digestion troubling her? Or is it simply that she needs a nappy change. Think of the causes and talk to her telling her you know she's angry and upset and you can hear her and comfort her. Extending these examples you might want to consider the following:

Crying can be a signal that your baby might be feeling unwell. A baby that is feeling unwell can appear distraught and their cry can sound like a whimper. Their crying can also be excessive. If you are worried or think your baby is unwell you are advised to call your doctor or health visitor and ask for medical advice.

Holding and cuddling a newborn who feels the loss of the warm secure womb is a loving response and one telling her that she has a companion in you as someone who understands her distress. So try and relax and follow your own instinct in finding ways of comforting and soothing her without getting too tense and anxious. Baby may be calmed if you put on some quiet familiar music and dance or sing quietly to her with her nestled into your shoulder, her head resting into your neck. Singing and gently talking to her as you change her nappy can also be soothing for a baby who finds a nappy change distressing.

Parents are often confused about whether their baby is hungry or whether she may want to suck for comfort. If you observe baby's behaviour both when she has just had a feed and is therefore not hungry and when she may want to let you know that she is hungry. An example of how to check baby a short time after a feed is to gently place your finger first on one side of her mouth and then on the other. If this elicits no head turning or baby sucks half heartedly then usually baby is satisfied. If however she is crying and turns her head as you place your finger to the side of her mouth and she opens her mouth and begins sucking vigorously and deeply you know that she is still hungry.

There is the irritable fussy crying at the end of the day. This can be a real challenge for new parents and can cause much anguish because they can't alleviate it. For baby this is often a time for letting off steam and is the daily reorganizer of the immature central nervous system.

Both mother and baby are tired by the end of the day and all she may want is her routine of a warm bath and a good feed and being held in a loving embrace. Your baby may be extra hungry at a particular time in the evening. It helps to give her an extra long feed which will settle her over a longer period of time and at the same time making sure that you have sufficiently winded her.

A gentle massage after a warm bath can help sooth her.

In the very early weeks baby can be helped to calm herself by swaddling that is wrapping her using a cot sheet ensuring that the sheet does not wrap around baby's head. Do this by folding the sheet into a wide triangle and placing baby, dressed in her baby- gro and nappy, onto the sheet so that her neck is level with the top edge. Hold her right hand to her mouth and bring the cot sheet across baby's arm and across her body anchoring the corner of the sheet underneath baby's body. When that arm is safely swaddled, the process begins again on the left side. The other side of the cot sheet is gently and firmly wrapped around baby in such a way that secures her left fist and the left hand corner of the cot sheet secured under her body. Having placed her arms high on her chest she can wriggle them free. Now baby has enough freedom to move her hands away from her mouth and enough support to find her hands easily again and suck on them for comfort. Lay her on her back. Do not place her on her front and only use additional covers if the surrounding temperature warrants it.

Helping baby to find and use her own resources to manage her state even in small ways in the early weeks of life can stand her in good stead in the longer term.

Some babies find watching something like a patterned surface, especially if placed within the baby's visual range giving her the opportunity to look at it, can be soothing.

Sounds too can be effective for example a rhythmical lullaby and even a low-level noise like a tumbler dryer or running water has been found to be calming.

A continuous rhythmical gentle slow rocking in a horizontal or flat position is likely to help when baby is distressed. Whereas gentle rocking intermittently in an upright position is likely to be more effective for a baby who is distressed and wide awake.

Overstimulation will only increase baby's distress and sometimes reducing stimuli by going to a quiet dimly lit room may after a short time calm her. Sometimes you may be able to sooth your baby quickly and at other times it may take half an hour or more and you may wonder if she's ever going to stop.

On the other hand recognizing baby's cry of boredom and responding with a playful interaction with her or bringing a little coloured cloth booklet out for her to look at and play with may help.

Early signs of distress include cues such as squirming and arching the back, yawning or turning away, frowning and grimacing. For a quiet baby dribbling milk sometime after a feed may indicate that she's been exposed to a great deal of stimulation. You may want to reduce the stimuli and calm her. Noticing these early signs and taking steps to change or modify whatever is happening may help to prevent mild distress from escalating.

It's important for a parent, who may have endured sleepless nights, to have ways of soothing themselves. It's more helpful to acknowledge your own feelings of frustration and even feelings of being trapped and tired than scream at baby through your own feelings of distress. Perhaps taking a relaxing bath with some lavender oil may help you to settle and relax. If you feel you've had too much you may step aside for a while going to a quiet room or making a cup of tea. Even having a burst of running on the spot or exercises and stretches can offer relief. You can then return to baby once again feeling more refreshed.

Hearing your baby crying can evoke all sorts of childhood memories. Understanding them either by getting help or talking with your own parents about how you were as a young baby may be helpful for you.

What is Psychotherapy?

Further help:

Parent-Infant

My Baby Won't Stop Crying – The First 3 Months

Further Help & Information:

See Also: